Brothers and sisters, we face a theological crisis, a test of our very faith in the LARD. As you’ve surely seen, there is mounting evidence that the world as we know it was created through a process called Intelligent Design, where an entity known as the Flying Spaghetti Monster, through the manipulation of his noodly appendages, shaped our collective reality. Manifestations of the FSM are permeating the Internet and the ranks of so-called Pastafarians are growing.
Little is known about Pastafarian practices: we do know that they believe in wearing pirate garb, take Fridays off from work, believe in a moral code as flexible as the noodles they worship and believe that heaven features a stripper factory and a beer volcano… all theological principles compatible with orthodox Bacontarianism.
However, we do not know what Pastafarians believe about the LARD. We do not know whether they recognize bacon as a sacrament or whether they understand the importance of the Holy LARD in both religious practice and daily life.
Meditating on this issue over a bacon-laced Cobb salad, I realized that there’s a number of strong indications that our Pastafarian bretheren may, indeed, be our brothers and sisters in the LARD. The Pastafarian liturgy ends its prayers with a solemn “Ramen”. As we all know, ramen is generally served in a pork-based broth and usually features multiple slices of roast pork atop the noodles. At the very least, we know that the Pastafarians are not abstainers, or worse, vegetarians.
Furthermore, I realized that little is known about the trinitarian nature of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. We know that he is part pasta (the noodly appendages), but we know little about the meatballs and almost nothing about the sauce (including whether or not the sauce actually manifests, much like the Holy Spirit.)
I offer the following interpretation, which would allow us to find common ground between Pastafarians and Bacontarians, which I call “The Carbonara Compromise”:
We believe in the LARD, holy and eternal.
We believe the Flying Spaghetti Monster is a manifestation of the LARD’s earthly power.
We believe the meatballs of the FSM are made of, or certainly contain pork and most assuredly were fried in holy LARD.
We believe the sauce that tops the FSM is a Carbonara Sauce, made from the LARD’s own holy pancetta.
We believe that any bacon-eating Pastafarian who is willing to meditate on the nature of the FSM’s meatballs and the eternal mystery of the Carbonara Sauce should be welcomed into our midst as a Bacontarian.
My bretheren, I offer this compromise like Luther’s 95 theses, stuck to a church door with bacon grease. I do not expect them to be uncontroversial, but I believe our Bacontarian faith is strong enough to survive the debate that is sure to follow. Ramen.
Your servant in the LARD,
-EthanZ
Way to ruin one of the most amazing feats of political satire in history. I would call it profiteering but I doubt any profit is made off of this site. Just leave the Pastafarianism to us.
Hmm. Not sure how a blogpost “ruins” a net meme. Or how contributing to a net joke can be called profiteering. Or how we’d possibly be profiteering from a site that has no ads. Or how anyone died and left the control of Pastafarianism to you. Or what happened to you as a child that makes you incapable of taking a joke.
Wow…Mike T must be a fundamentalist Pastafarian.
Personally, I’m full on board with the Carbonara Compromise.
As a Holder Of The Fest of Bacon, and one who proudly flies the flag of the FSM on his blog as well, I stand with both feet in both churches, forks in both hands, and huge grin upon my face. I am touched by his noodly appendage and bask in the holy gift of pig.